Really need to try keep up with this

Okay, so I haven't updated in here in forever. I had intended to update as much as I could, every day ideally but things get in the way and so it really hasn't been the main focus of my mind at the moment.

My university workload is currently driving me insane. I'd got extensions for my last two assignments with the intention of using them as a back up only as I knew my depression was showing it's head and I wanted to be prepared. I did not however, plan on being a week into my extensions and only just started one assignment and still need to research for another. My depression seems to have kicked off bigstyle the past couple of weeks, as in I know what work I have to do but my god damn brain just will not function. I've had no motivation, and no energy and even when I have tried to sit down and work, nothing comes out.

Last night I almost broke down to the point of actually considering giving up. It was probably a mixture of tiredness and frustration, as when I woke up this morning I felt a little bit better about everything, but I nearly gave up and that scared me. I've been down this road before, in regards to university and my depression and I do not want it to happen again. I've worked too hard to let my depression win. So today I forced my brain to work. My work is shit, and I could do so much better, but at the moment I can't afford to be fussy so I'm just hammering out whatever my brain will allow and am just going to have to get over the fact my marks for my final assignments won't be of the standard I've been maintaing all year.

Anyway, it seems like this blog is becoming more of a "how my depression likes to fuck my life up" rather than a weight diary, but it's all linked so what the hell. In relation to the weight loss, it's been very up and down. My little sister came to visit and we ate out, got takeaways and so it wasn't a good week, although I think I maintained so it wasn't too bad.

This week has been better, I went on the wii fit yesterday to play and do the body test and it said I'd dropped 3lbs, which is good especially as I still have until Tuesday before official weigh day. I haven't even been eating great this week, I just haven't had an appetite at all. I'm sure it'll come back and bite me in the ass when I stop being so stressed! Lol!

Let's hope things look up yes?

Finally, a positive outcome!

This week has definitely been the most successful week so far! I've lost 5lbs and I'm over the moon! Especially since we had two takeaways this week as well, (one was because we fancied it, the other for Gemmas dads birthday) and we did eat out one day as well. Although, we did a lot of exercise! I can't remember which day it was, but we went up to the pub where Gemmas mam works and then decided we'd walk home. We ended up walking for about 1 and half hours! We've done more exercise than that too, but I can't really remember what it was!

Food has been much better as well, I've been making an effort to eat breakfast and we've been eating pretty healthy stuff and snacking on fruit, so it's great :). I'm feeling a lot better and the fact that I've lost so much this week is definitely showing me that it's worth resisting all the yummy snacky fatty foods!

I can't really think of much more else to update at the moment as I'm really tired, just wanted to post about my weight loss! :D

It's been a week :O

So it's been a week since I last updated, I hadn't realised it had been so long!

I've really not been doing well, both with my mental and physical health. I've gained weight, rather than losing it, which was a pretty big blow to be honest. I've been in a "I don't care about anything" mood except yesterday when I got weighed and had gained 4lbs, I started to realise that I can not keep living the way i have been and that I can not let my depression beat me.

So, I'm currently at just over 23 stone. It's really bad, I know and I regret my weakness this past week but at least I can change it. So, I'm doing everything to ensure I don't slip into the same mood again meaning I won't be eating everything in sight. This is going to sound really childlike, but it's working. I'm using stickers to help me complete day to day tasks, and if I do a task that involves triggering my anxiety (generally phoning people I don't know) then I get a dinosaur sticker. When I get all my dinosaur stickers, I'll reward myself with something nice :). It seems to be working so far :).

In addition to conquering my lethargicness with my depression, I've also decided to list what I'm going to eat for the next day. So for tomorrow I've already decided what I'm going to eat, and that should stop me eating rubbish and eating too much as I know what I'm having. Fingers crossed that works, just hope that I don't start to get too obsessive as that won't be good!

I'm also going to aim and go on wii fit everyday.

Oh, and I'm going to write down what I eat in here :).

So today;
Breakfast: Cereal

Dinner:
Club baguette from greggs
Flame Grilled Steak Maccoys Crisps
Milky Way
Kids dairy milk bar
Jelly pot
Munch bunch yogurt
(So so naughty! =/)

Tea:
Spaghetti bolognease
Chocolate cake and custard (Me and Gemma bought the cake ages ago but it runs out tomorrow so we've had to use it, such a shame! :P)

Struggles

Yesterday was a bad day. I'm really struggling with my depression at the moment, which has been making me not care about much at all, let alone what I'm eating. Had takeaway for tea, and didn't even feel guilty and I didn't exercise either. I still don't really care much at the moment about it, even though I should.

I have been better today though, yet still no exercise, but it's better than yesterday was so maybe things are picking up? I'm still feeling quite depressed, but feel like I'm in denial, as usual. If you asked me how I was I'd say fine, but I'm not. I don't know, it's weird, it's not like I want to deny it, it just seems to be an autopilot response.

I hope my mood starts to pick up soon, I want to be able to focus and care about what I'm eating and exercise and things. I'm not even sure I'm making much sense right now =/.

1st weigh in since making this blog!

So I was dreading getting weighed, my week hasn't been as great as it could've been AND I got my period, but thankfully the exercise I've been doing must have paid off as I maintained! :D. I'm extremely happy about it! So fingers crossed for a good loss next week :).

I usually have more to write about when I write in here but there isn't much I want to say right now, so I'm going to leave it at this.

Sunday confessions

So I've been really naughty the past couple of days, I really need to have a bit more self control! On Friday me and Gemma had forgot to get something out for tea so we got chinese takeaway. Although, it wasn't too bad as we only ended up eating our starters! I had chicken and noodle soup, some BBQ spare ribs, a few chips and like 3 mini spring rolls, so it could've been worse. My dinner wasn't too bad on Friday either, just a sandwich so I guess Friday wasn't so bad.

Saturday was a wonderful day, me and Gemma babysat Cole (our nephew, he's 1 and such the cutie!), and since it was a beautiful day we went to the park. I was naughty that day too, went to the pub for dinner and had a burger, I think next time we  all go the park we're going to take a picnic and our own drinks so hopefully I won't be tempted by naughty food again! I got a good bit of exercise though walking around the park and chasing after a 1 year old, although I say chasing, I didn't really do too much of that :P. Tea on saturday was bad, I had my chinese from the night before, which was cripsy shredded chicken peking style with fried rice, although I ended up only eating half of it, and ate all veg so it wasn't that bad. I keep assuring myself that it could have been worse, but it also could have been better and I really need to try and be stronger.

Have a picture of me and Gemma at the park :D. I'm wearing Coles hat, because I'm cool like that (y).

Today has been an equally great day. The weather has been beautiful, about 17 degrees! Definitely not the kind of weather I'm used to, especially not in April! So yeah, me and Gemma got up, sorted the kitchen out and then headed to town to finally get the curtain rails we've been meaning to get for a year lmao. Again, the pub attacked us for food....well, actually it was my fault. It was my idea to go, I'm not really sure what made me want to go to be honest, especially as I really do want to lose weight, who knows? I had chicken wings starter, surf and turf and then was really naughty and had jam roly poly and custared :O. It was worth it though, but must really stop giving in to my urges to eat out!

Despite the bad dinner, the rest of the day has been good. Came home and hammered the wii fit, I burned about 470kcals so very happy with that! Also because of having such a huge dinner, for tea I just had two munch bunch youghurts, an apple, a satsuma and a plum. So I suppose in the aspect of calorie wise I didn't and haven't done that bad the past couple of days.

I got my period today though, which sucks because I always want to eat like a pregnant woman when I have my period and my want to do things always lessesns, that and I always gain weight when I'm on so I don't think I'll have a loss this week, but we'll see on Tuesday. I'm going to make sure I go on wii fit every day as I find that better than walking, especially in this heat, that's one of the things that I hate about being huge, I want to exercise but then summer comes and I'm like "omg dies" before I've even got as far as my garden gate!

Well I don't think I have anything else to say really. Wow my entries on this are huge, maybe I should try and talk less as well as losing weight? :P

Le Thursday

So this will probably get a bit boring for anyone reading this as I think I'm going to try and keep a record of what I'm eating. I'm still trying to adjust to normal sized portions, I'm so used to eating like I'm eating for 1000 people so it's difficult! I don't think I'm doing too bad though!

For breakfast I had some rice crispies, I've got those little portion sized boxes so that I don't over-eat on cereal as I'm generally starving in the morning, they're very helpful! I also had an apple too :). Dinner was a bit bad, I had 2 ham and pease pudding sandwiches, but on that Kingsmill 50/50 bread so at least it wasn't white bread which is what I normally eat! lol! I had a packet of wotists, a four fingered kit kat and two munch bunch yoghurts as well. For tea I had homemade chilli (om nom nom! lots of fresh veg and mince was drained!) with white boiled rice :). It was yummy!

I guess I haven't actually done as bad as I'd thought, at least not when I compare it to what I have been eating in the past! So I'm proud. I have to be really careful though if I'm going to start keeping track of what I'm eating, I don't want to start counting calories again. Not a lot of people know this but I sometimes develop a funny relationship with food, when it comes to starting to lose weight I can often become too obsessed with it all. Like, I'll count every calorie, and I'll start measuring food, and skipping meals, exercising too much etc, and I know that just isn't healthy. Thankfully though, I can talk to Gemma about that so I don't think I'll be at too much risk of becoming obsessed as Gemma can keep my grounded! (By grounded I mean help me see that it's better to be healthy with slow weight loss, than rapid weight loss, and not actually keep me locked in the house :P)

As for exercise today, me and Gemma played on Wii Sports on the tennis, boxing and baseball, and while she went on the Wii Fit I went on the exercise bike. I had wanted to do at least 15 minutes, but I only managed two songs worth, which was only about 7 minutes. I'm not too disappointed though as I know you have to build up your exercise slowly, so it's great that I'm making effort to do so!

All in all, I'm feeling really positive this evening, here's hoping the rest of the week goes as well! :D

Wow, I talk a lot :P. Hehe. Chow for now dudettes!